EDIT: Here’s a follow-up, “Social Media Experts Are Delusional Assholes.”
Since my buddy Saul Colt posted that little video of me and all of his little social media buddies are now following me on twitter and tumblr I figured this would be a great time to quickly lay out my theory about how you’re all assholes.
Now, I like Saul. He gets a pass. Because he’s funny and honest and calls people on their bullshit when he has to. And he produces, he’s always produced. But everyone else? Hate ‘em. Seriously. I’d rather hang out with an improv troupe than a bunch of social media dorks. And I’m sure some of you folks are good on the inside or something; you do charity work, love your kids, adopt puppies - all of that stuff. But you also think you’re Confucius and it’s really, really fucking annoying.
Here’s some quotes I pulled off the internets:
“Social Media puts the “public” into PR and the “market” into marketing.” -Chris Brogan
“Advertising is the price companies pay for being un-original.” - Yves Behar
“Social media offers new opportunities to activate Brand Enthusiasm.” -Stacy DeBroff
“You are in the findability department. The marketing department is dead. I don’t even know if that is a real word. Findability.” - Todd Defren
It took me two minutes to find those quotes because there are just SO MANY OUT THERE. Nails on a chalkboard, my friends. Nails on a chalkboard. And here’s why:
1) When you created your awesome water cooler 2.0 you had no idea how big it was going to be. It was only after the fact, when folks said it was important, that you started coming up with wise sayings about WHY it’s important as if it was always part of the plan. You spit out a couple of sayings so that VCs pony up some money and developers can continue to produce a fad until they can sell it.
2) Circle jerks are lame, and social media experts are participating in one of the largest circle jerks I’ve ever witnessed. You know how improv troupes are annoying because they always make stupid faces and tell each other how funny they are? Well, at least they’re funny 25% of time. You guys all think you’re modern day Platos, and everything has some bigger, deeper meaning while you’re developing an app that lets people type “#youknowyouadickwhen u take my sndwitch frm the fridge n dont even finsh it.” I understand how and when all of this shit is important, but 99.9% of the time it’s completely pointless. But, regardless of that fact, there’s a whole lot of back-patting and cock stroking and jerking off on a cookie that Rupert Murdoch’s going to eventually eat.
3) You don’t really create anything. Someone creates an infrastructure or an idea and luckily that idea catches on. And then you come along and explain why that idea is the greatest thing to come along since the pee holes in men’s underwear. But you don’t make shit. You don’t sell shit. You just talk shit. You’re a high school senior on weed but instead of pondering the ways of the universe and writing shitty poetry you’re talking about a site that lets you say where you’re located at a given time. EXCITING!
Anyways, now that you’re listening, I just want to implore all of you to make something. Be a productive member of society - PRODUCE. And stop yammering about how this-that-and-the-other-thing is going to change the world. You know what people like? Fucking FARMVILLE. There’s an awesome thought for you - no matter what you do and what you prop up in life it’ll never be as popular and as important as a game that lets people plant onions that they can bake into a nice humble pie and deliver to your virtual doorstep.
